Many people out there - okay, in here - seem to have problems with the simple process of cleaning the kitchen. Does this sound familiar?

• Instead of washing a plate, you leave it on the sideboard encrusted with beans.
• Once you've finished as much as you want to eat of a pizza, you're baffled as to what to do with what's left.
• As far as you're concerned, coffee mugs are supposed to be covered with mold.
• You think that, if you leave things long enough, the washing-up pixies will come and clean them, ready for the next time.
• You open the cupboard and curse that there's no clean plates, but don't connect it with the enormous heap of moldering washing-up in the sink in front of your fucking nose.
• You think cutlery doesn't actually need to be cleaned - just use it again.
• The germ theory of infection hasn't reached your consciousness yet.

Yes? Don't worry; here are some tips to save you. It's always nice to have something to aim for before you engage on a difficult project like this.

Tips to clean the kitchen

This peculiar-looking item is called a sponge. You use it in tangent with the water and the washing-up liquid to wipe the crap off the plates, bowls, glasses, mugs and cutlery that you leave festering around the house, like little anthrax bombs around in your wake. You'll also need some water. You probably already know water, as you use it to make the endless cups of tea and coffee that you drink most of then leave in the living room to grow old like unwanted relatives.